My Master List of Irrational Hatreds

1. Fake art. (The kind that’s already framed. Like at Target or Ikea.)
2. Cats.
3. Cat people who try to convince me to like cats.
4. Shoes with straps around the ankle. This goes for everyone, unless you have legs that could advertise panty hose.
5. The word ‘panty.’ And ‘panties.’ And ‘panty hose.’
6. People who give their pets human names.
7. People who give themselves nicknames.
8. The Barefoot Contessa.
9. The word ‘buns’ when you’re not talking about pastries.
10. Telling someone you really like something and having their immediate response be telling you how much they hate it.
11. White jeans.
12. Black jeans.
13. Tapered jeans.
14. Jean shorts.
15. The smell of curry when you’re not expecting it.
16. Saying unconscious instead of subconscious. When someone says “I unconsciously wanted chocolate,” it makes me think they wanted chocolate while they were passed out on the ground.
    
17. Mock turtlenecks.
    
18. Gleaming white turtlenecks under sweaters.
    
19. Jerry Maguire.
    
20. Bridget Jones.
    
21. Anything with Renee Zelwegger.
    
22. Being able to tell that a woman is wearing a lace bra under her shirt.
    
23. Muffin tops.
    
24. Back fat.
    
25. Camel toe.
    
26. Visible underwear lines.
    
27. Visible thong underwear lines.
    
28. Men in earrings. Possible exceptions if they’re a Vietnam vet or from a tribe in Africa.
    
29. Sting (surprisingly, I’m totally OK with The Police, though.)
    
30. People who have running monologues instead of conversations. (i.e., they continue like you hit pause on a tape player and they’re just picking up where they left off, completely ignoring your contribution to the conversation.)
    
31. Guests who wear white to weddings.
    
32. Guests who wear black to weddings. (this is probably the most irrational item, I know)
    
33. Bare shoulders at church.
    
34. Tattoos that are Asian characters or “tribal.”
    
35. Dolphins as iconography.
    
36. Tunafish.
    
37. Jennifer Aniston.
    
38. Parents who let their kids scream in stores after the age of 2.
    
39. Matching twin names: Tyler/Taylor, Michael/Michelle, Kyle/Bile
    
40. Men who tuck football jerseys into their pants. (initially pointed out to me by pete fritz, but it is now a fully-incorporated irrational hatred)
    
41. When a song you don’t like comes on the radio, and you turn the station and it’s on the next one as well.
    
42. Eskimos. I think they are smug.
    
43. People who quote movies without telling you so you feel stupid for not knowing an obscure line from Anger Management. (see previous entry)
    
44. Realizing you bought expired yogurt and having to admit it’s your own fault for not checking.
45. People who don’t root for their hometown team.
    
46. State of the Union addresses.
    
47. People who consistently join every conversation by saying how the topic relates to them.
    
48. 601-ers. The people who always top your story with something better. Like the bidding on Price is Right, when you bid 600 they’d always go 601.
    
49. “Fleecing of America” segments on the news, especially ones with John Stossell.
    
50. Fanny packs when you are not at an amusement park.
    
51. Tevas (or any other $60 water shoe) when you are not outdoors.
    
52. Transferred butt heat when you sit in a chair someone else has been sitting in for a while.
    
53. Celery.
    
54. Rodents as pets.
    
55. Automatic toilets that flush while you’re still sitting on them.
    
56. Toilets that are not designed well. Meaning you have to flush 3 times just for them to work.
    
57. Washing your hands in a public bathroom and seeing someone walk right into the stall you were just in. It creeps me out.
    
58. The anxiety of having other people listen to you pee, and timing your peeing so that you don't have to see the person in the other stall.
    
59. Facilities that have thought of everything: nice rugs, windows, walls, that then tape up wrinkly printouts that say "conference room A.”
    
60. People who microwave fish at work.
    
61. People who can’t properly monitor the microwave and unleash a fury of burnt popcorn smells into the office.
    
62. When you’re grammar makes me think your stupid.
    
63. Apostrophe’s when they are not needed. Especially on acronyms. I feel like we go to the store to buy CDs not CD’s. I was born in the 1970s, not the 1970’s.
    
64. The fact that I can never spell relavent, I mean relavant, ugh. Relevant??
    
65. : )
66. Stockings worn with open-toe shoes.
    
67. Stockings with reinforced toes worn with open-toe shoes.
    
68. People who put chewing gum on their plate to save for later.
    
69. Other people blowing their nose within 5 feet of me.
    
70. People who invade my bubble while standing behind me in line.
    
71. Red lipstick with pink shirts. (Or pink lipstick with red shirts.)
    
72. Visible lip liner.
    
73. Mixing gold and silver.
    
74. Tank tops with arm holes that go down to the stomach.
    
75. The fact that irregardless really isn’t a word.
    
76. Neither is towards.
    
77. The smug feeling people get when they tell you that irregardless and towards aren’t words.
    
78. People who speak without an accent until they get to a Spanish word and then feel the need to pronounce it like they’re in Mexico. “I would like some sangrrrrrrrrrrrrrrria.”
    
79. People who roll the double Rs in my last name.
    
80. The fact that I can’t roll the double Rs in my last name.
    
81. People who add a W to the end of my last name and then get annoyed when I tell them they’ve spelled it wrong.
    
82. Soy sauce.
    
83. Ginger.
    
84. Excessive garlic.
    
85. Anything with sesame.
    
86. Josh Groban.
    
87. Star Wars.
    
88. Beer.
    
89. People who want me to like beer.
    
90. Skiing.
    
91. People who want me to like skiing.
    
92. Paul McCartney.
    
93. Lance Armstrong. (Yeah, I said it.)
    
94. Bratz dolls.
    
95. Toe rings.
    
96. Penelope Cruz.
    
97. People who hijack your story, by interrupting because you forgot some minor detail and then they finish it off, totally stealing your thunder.
    
98. Obsessing over the details of a story that clearly do not pertain to the point of the story. It doesn’t matter if it was last Monday or last Tuesday, we’re just talking! Get on with your story!
    
99. Michelle Pfeiffer.
    
100. People who try to take ownership of widely known musicians or bands, because they’ve been listening to them longer. Maybe they feel like they were the first of their friends to discover Jack Johnson, but half the country has his album; he is totally up for grabs.
     
101. Fingernails longer than 1/2”.
     
102. Over-plucked eyebrows.
     
103. People who try to convince me that bikini waxing at a salon is perfectly normal.
     
104. People who think less of me because I refuse to accept bikini waxing at a salon as perfectly normal.
     
105. Candid Camera. Or any second-generation version of it.
     
106. The cult leader/”doctor” in the eHarmony commercials.
     
107. The actual couples/cult members in the eHarmony commercials.
     
108. Knowing that you irrationally hate a name and you subconsciously think less of any person you meet with that same: Brandon, Kyle, Sheryl, Crystal and Misty.
     
109. Eggplant.
     
110. Used Kleenex anywhere not in a trash can. Even if it’s my own.
     
111. People who try to argue that they shouldn’t have to pick up their dog’s poop.
     
112. The fact that Nine Inch Nails is one guy.
     
113. Anything with coconut.
     
114. White shoes with dark stockings.
     
115. Tom Cruise.
     
116. People who refer to themselves “pet parents.”
     
117. When the vet calls my dog by its “full” name (i.e. Kaiser Garro).
     
118. The crushing disappointment of realizing you’ve been singing the wrong lyrics to a song for more than 5 years.
     
119. Bastardized cover versions of your favorite song.
     
120. Parents who spell a perfectly normal name in a different way just to be different, totally ruining the kid’s childhood: see Jeyson, Cate, Lorin, Kameron, Jazmyn.
     
121. Deformed pinky toes.
     
122. People who feel like you’re encroaching their space at lawn concerts just because your blanket is touching theirs.
     
123. The song “I’ll Be” by Edwyn McCain. Just because.
     
124. People who enjoy ragging on other teams, more than they like their own team.
     
125. Music geeks who try to “out geek” you with all their obscure knowledge of underground music.
     
126. No one telling you that there’s food in your teeth.
     
127. Being that person who is using the reflection in their utensil to check if you have food in your teeth.
     
128. Contestants on Jeopardy who make little quips or jokes after they’ve answered a question right. Just play the game.
     
129. Uggs.
     
130. The fact that most “guilty pleasures” are typically not things that should evoke feelings of guilt. A true guilty pleasure is stealing my neighbor’s wi-fi, not liking America’s Funniest Home Videos and/or Hanson.
     
131. People who walk with an umbrella under the awnings when it’s raining out (thus forcing people without umbrellas to have their eyes nearly poked out.)
     
132. Rereading an email you’ve sent and noticing a blatant error that anyone else who’s read the email will have noticed.
     
133. Leggings.
     
134. Formal shorts.
135. Formal shorts that are part of a suit.
     
136. The fact that there’s no way to set up my desk at work so that my back isn’t facing people as they walk by, meaning that I always feel like someone is sneaking up on me.
     
137. The fact that I feel like I’m sneaking up on half of my coworkers when I go over to talk to them.
     
138. Disregard for gym etiquette.
     
139. Sweaty treadmill handlebars.
140. Jimmy Kimmel.
     
141. Asking a young married couple if they are “trying.”
     
142. Decent pop songs that suddenly feature a gospel choir at the end. (pointed out by lindsay)
     
143. Recycling “prom shoes” for everyday wear. (pointed out by lindsay)
144. Using the word “retarded” to mean silly or stupid. It’s just kind of mean.
145. The phrase “we’re pregnant.” (pointed out by ned)
146. Crocs.
147. Crocs with athletic socks. (pointed out by molly)
148. Families in matching Crocs. (oh yes, I’ve seen it.)
149. Martin Short.
150. Martin Lawrence.
151. Not using adverbs. “I cook so bad sometimes.”
152. The song “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.” Especially, any kind of forced sing-a-long of it. I have unequivocally HATED that song for as long as I can remember.
153. For all intensive purposes. (pointed out by amanda)
154. Forced participation in bouquet tosses.
155. Missing a typo when doing search-and-replace in a word document.
156. “I graduated high school” instead of “I graduated from high school.” (pointed out by ned)
157. The pervasiveness of skinny jeans and their almost universal unattractiveness.
158. The constant struggle not to turn into one of those women who wears sneakers with their work clothes during their commute.
     

#119. Dark Stockings/Light Shoes

At some point in the recent past, someone somewhere tried to pass it off as fashionable. In Style magazine showed Sarah Jessica Parker wearing black tights with grey shoes. Deep down all I can think is "cranky lady on a smoke break hoping to get home in time for Springer."

#1. Fake Art

To me, Fake Art is anything mass-produced, ready-to-hang, and/or sold at a Big Box retailer. This is a quintessential irrational hatred that makes me seem smug, so I try to keep it under wraps as much as possible.

Irrational Reasoning:
It's tacky.

Legitimate Reasoning:
To me, Fake Art says to the world, "Yes, I want my home to look nice, but I don't want to put any thought into it or have any personal connection to it."

For the same price as Fake Art made in a factory and sold at the mall, you could easily find something made locally that is unique and full of craftsmanship.